It’s so funny because I’ve been trying to figure this all out for some time now and it seems as though God answered my question through another question. I’m a youth leader and last night at youth group I was sharing a little about distractions when one of the girls asked me, “Can a good thing be a distraction?” As God gave me the words to answer her I felt like He was truly just answering me. I shared with her how easy it is to take something that is good in and of itself and put it in a place where it does not belong… therefore making it a negative thing in our lives. I then shared with her how oftentimes it is harder to let go of a good thing that is distracting us because it’s well… good. As I was speaking I realized that it wasn’t for her… it was for me.

     This is where I’m at right now. I have desires in my heart that are not bad and I truly believe that God has placed them in my heart – BUT – I have elevated those things to a place in my heart which they do not belong. I have made some of my hopes, my everything.

     I am learning that God sometimes plants desires in our hearts because He loves for us to wait expectantly for the good things that He will do. But that is the key… waiting. Just look at the story of Abraham and Sarah for the perfect example. In Genesis chapter 15 God spoke great and amazing things into Abraham’s heart. He showed Abraham the stars and told him that would be the number of his descendants. Wow! What a promise for someone who then had NO children!

I’m sure after a vision like that Abraham went away and never thought about it again… NOT! Instead, I expect that every day, in every mundane task, Abraham dreamed and tried to wrap his mind around this awesome and great thing that God had planted in his heart. Listen: there is nothing wrong with dreaming! There is nothing wrong with hoping! BUT often times the vastness of our dreams cause us to lose sight of the goodness of today. Therein lies the problem.

Often we grow tired of waiting and try to make our dreams happen right now. Look at Abraham and Sarah again; there is no doubt that they had a good desire. They wanted a baby that GOD had promised them. But they got to the point where they refused to wait any longer for God to move. They got to the point where they stopped dreaming in wonder about all that God showed them could be, and instead decided that they would determine what should be. They stopped waiting. In Genesis chapter 16 they took things into their own hands and it doesn’t end well. Yes God brought restoration into the situation but in that Old Testament story we learn a wondrous fact: human hands can never ever duplicate the work of God in our lives.

    I believe that today there are many good and right desires in my heart and in yours. Maybe there is a desire in our hearts to be a husband or a wife, a parent, a minister, a missionary… or whatever else. A desire so strong we cannot contain it. A desire so strong it seems almost impossible for us to wait any longer for it to be fulfilled. How do we handle this?

Firstly, I believe that if it is a desire that was in fact placed on our hearts by the Lord then it wasn’t intended to be contained. I believe that God wants us to pour that desire back into His heart through prayer – committing it to Him. I am learning – slowly – to just be real with God in prayer. He wants me to talk to Him about the desires in my heart. All of them. I know guys, it’s hard! It’s so much easier for me to come to God about desires in my heart for say, ministry, because those just feel like “uber spiritual”, right desires. It’s easy for me to talk to Him about the vision and desire I have for our Girl’s Ministry or Youth Group… but when it comes to my heart. Oh boy, when it comes to my heart! When I try to talk to God about all things heart flutters + love I usually get to a line that sounds something like this, “God, there is a reason why I stalk ________ on Twitter. He’s just so godly and perfect!!!” And then I hear what I’m saying and feel dumb and I quit.

But I am truly learning that just as much as God wants to hear about my “uber spiritual” desires, He also wants to hear about the straight up, real, “dumb” desires of my heart. He cares. He knows anyway so I might as well just talk to Him about it! And at least when I bring those desires to God He can help me sort through them and show me which ones are of Him and which ones are not.

    Secondly, I believe that God wants us to dream. I believe that God told Abraham and Sarah that He was going to give them a child years before it happened so that they could dream and learn to wait on God for the fulfillment of that dream. If you ladies (or guys) are anything like me then you are already dreamers. You have hopes of beautiful, God-pleasing things for your future. I believe that God desires for us to revel in the goodness of all that He could do all the while being faithful to where He has us right now – knowing that it is Him who decides if and when He should do it. It’s all about having the right desires with the right perspective.

     Remember that God withholds no good thing from those who walk uprightly (Psalm 86:11). If a desire in our heart is truly good then we can trust that He will do it… in His time. We can wait expectantly for good things!!!

“For since the beginning of the world men have not heard nor perceived by the ear, nor has the eye seen any God besides You, who acts for the one who waits for Him.”
Isaiah 64:4

Everything that I’m feeling right now is completely my own fault. I’ve been making poor choices and choosing lesser things over God. Prayer is no longer an experience in my life, but a distant memory… and my life shows it. It’s not that I’ve stopped wanting God. No. It’s just that my heart hasn’t stopped wanting other things.

“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.”
Jane Austen

This quote pretty much sums up my life right now. Just when I thought I was content trusting God with all things love/relationships/marriage, I met someone and some crazy fluttery things started going on in my heart that caused me to challenge all that. Dumb heart. People who are content trusting God for their futures wait on Him to see what His desires are. They don’t start performing full on background checks on “potentials” on Facebook, Twitter, and every other corner of the internet and find out where that person will be and at what time [totally kidding about that last part... maybe]. I don’t know if I should be impressed or embarrassed about just how much detective work I’ve done on this “potential”. I’m thinking the latter. Yeah I’m pretty sure the totally obsessive and stalkerish tendencies I have towards this person are nothing to boast about. It’s actually kinda creepy if I really think about it… But I’m convinced that I would make one great private investigator.

But on a serious note: If I’ve learned anything, it’s that I can lose control of this heart in the blink of an eye. It is nothing to play around with. There are desires in my heart that may be right and true in and of themselves but If I don’t keep guard they will soon take over and lead me away from all that God has for me right now. It is dangerous to become so consumed with all that could be that I lose sight of all that is.

I’ve realized that at the heart of all of this is the fear that I won’t get what I need. What I think I need. That is why I cling so tightly and dream about everything that I think should be – because I’m scared that if I surrender it to God it might be final.

I’m know that I’m supposed to believe that God’s ways are perfect beyond belief and that He will not fail me.

“The young lions lack and suffer hunger; But those seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing”
Psalm 34:10

That’s what His word says.

But the desires of this heart are fighting against all that I deep down know to be true.

Dumb Heart.

But guess what… it didn’t happen. It just didn’t! I didn’t find the friendships that I was so desperately longing for. Some things that didn’t help were that I wasn’t in college like most other people my age and despite the fact that God had plugged me into an amazing church with an amazing youth outreach ministry, there were literally no young adults there. Yes, I was meeting different people in different places and making acquaintances, but those deep friendships that I longed for just weren’t happening. What I believed to be my greatest earthly need – relationship – was left unfulfilled. For two whole years.

It was hard. So hard. Feelings of loneliness crept in and often times felt unavoidable. But, I can honestly look back over the past two years and say that it was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

God knew exactly what He was doing in withholding from me the one thing that I believed I needed most.

Over these past two years God has worked in me in such tremendous ways and taught me so much of who I am. Who I truly am… apart from people.

I look back at all that I once was and see just how much of everything I did was simply a cry to be acknowledged and appreciated. Every one of my actions and words were so carefully thought out and elaborately planned so as to satisfy the needs of others… simply so that they would like me and satisfy my greatest need – to be accepted and loved.

Because that’s what it all comes down to: the very human and innate desire to be safe and secure in someone or  something.

We are an unsatisfied and unfulfilled people. So much of what we do – whether intentionally or unintentionally – is simply a cry for someone to notice us. We are more needy than we think… at least I am.

We are longing for something more.

But we have it all wrong. We somehow think that having more people around us will satisfy us – whether in real life – or on Facebook. We seek validation from others by becoming like others. It is a viscous cycle that will never be able to do the one thing for which it was intended: satisfy.

These last two years have taught me the importance of focusing on ourselves. The idea of focusing on ourselves can easily become a forgotten concept in a Christian world where so much of what we are called to do involves other people. But a failure to nurture ourselves and our innermost being is a failure to recognize that the very essence of our Christianity is us and Christ. We need to know who we are. Who we truly are. We need to learn of all that God intended for us to be when He created us. God is eager and willing to teach us. But our hearts can only respond to these lessons when we are finally at the place where we are no longer crying out for the approval of people.

You see, before we can ever truly love people and remember them – we must forget them. We must be rid of every part of ourselves that seeks validation from people. We must become apart from them before we can ever truly be with them.

We must spend time alone with God. We must find out who He created us to be. We must learn Him. We must learn ourselves. We must become secure… whole… complete. We must get to the place where the very core of our existence is based upon truths revealed to us by God, in prayer.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not telling you to ditch your friends. I love people. I love relationship. It is special, it is sweet, it is important. God created it to be that way. I am so incredibly thankful for the handful of precious new friendships that God has brought into my life and allowed to blossom in the past few months. Having genuine, like-minded, Christlike friends is something with which few other things can compare. But I am also overwhelmingly thankful for that still and often lonely period, which was the past two years, because of all that God taught me in that quiet place.

My friends, do not despise the quiet place.

Our hearts long to be hidden. Praise God that we have a Father who whispers into our innermost being, “Hide yourself in Me.”

For the weekend. For the summer. For graduation. For a better job. To turn 18. To turn 21. To be in better shape. For a night out with friends. For a relationship. For marriage. For our first child. For a breakthrough.

I don’t know about you, but I am guilty of this. I am constantly waiting on something. Watching, waiting, and living for what is to come. The sad part about all of this is: by living in tomorrow I miss the beauty of today.

Waiting, in and of itself, is not a bad thing. In fact it is a wonderful thing that is constantly praised throughout scripture.

“For since the beginning of the world men have not heard nor perceived by the ear, nor has the eye seen any God besides You, who acts for the one who waits for Him.”
Isaiah 64:4

What we really need is to learn how to wait in a manner that pleases God.

This is something that God has been dealing with in my own life and teaching me about. Through these (sometimes hard) lessons I have learned that the kind of waiting that pleases God is the kind that says:

“I’m here. Now. Fully available.”

We can wait expectantly, even excitedly, for what is to come but we just have to make sure that our hopes for tomorrow do not distract us from all that God desires us to experience today. Our first + most important priority is to seek out God’s will for our lives today. Ask Him, “God, what do You have for me today? What do You want to teach me today?”

But also understand this – there is nothing wrong with dreaming. There is nothing wrong with having longings. God simply asks us to submit them to Him. To surrender all of our desires to Him. To loosen our grip on all the dreams we hold so dear in faith… believing that God will withhold no good thing from us.

“For the Lord God is a sun + shield; The Lord will give grace + glory; No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly.”
Psalm 84:11

“The young lions lack and suffer hunger; But those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing.”
Psalm 34:10

Do you and I believe this today? It’s so hard, I know. Right now I’m in the process of surrendering one of my biggest desires to God and it’s just about killing me. I am learning that total surrender to God is only possible when we trust Him fully + completely. Oh, for faith to trust Him more!

[P.S. if you want to read more scripture on waiting read Luke 2:25-35... it's beautiful.]

]]> http://muddypearls.com/2012/11/19/im-here-now/feed/ 7 muddypearls316 http://muddypearls.com/2012/11/13/to-be-beautiful/ http://muddypearls.com/2012/11/13/to-be-beautiful/#comments Tue, 13 Nov 2012 17:27:26 +0000 Tola https://muddypearlsdotcom.wordpress.com/?p=1584 Continue reading →]]> Over the past few months, more specifically over the past two or three weeks, I have been on a journey of self discovery. It is changing everything. I am learning who I truly am. I am seeing insecurities fade away (slowly, mind you) as I come to grips with + learn to love me just as I was created to be.

During this time one of the things that I have really been drawn to study + investigate is what it means to be truly beautiful. This morning, again seeking to discover the true essence of beauty, I looked up the word “beauty” in the concordance in the back of my bible. Would you believe that none of the verses listed under the word had anything to do with physical appearance? Really. (1 Chronicles 16:29, Psalm 27:4, 39:11, 45:11, 49:14, 90:17, 110:3) Check em out!

After reading + meditating on these verses I wrote a little something in my journal:

“Lord, whenever Your Word talks of Your beauty it describes something all-powerful, all-consuming, and everlasting. But when it talks of our beauty it describes something vain and fleeting. Yes, human beauty is wonderful and to be appreciated but it is NOT to be confused with the beauty [true beauty] that comes from You alone!”

With this new take on beauty I decided to go further and look up the word “beauty” in a dictionary. The definition I found amazed me:

[Beauty]
1.) Qualities that are pleasing to the senses or that satisfy the mind or spirit.
2.) Someone or something having such qualities.

Wow. We, as a people, have so limited the meaning of beauty to only incorporate one sense: sight. But as God’s word and even Webster’s dictionary reveals, true beauty encompasses so, SO much more. We are not just a “seeing” people. We have five senses. True beauty will ignite + awaken each and every one.

So I sat and I talked with God. I studied His Word and I decided for me what it means to be beautiful. In every sense of the word.

1.) Sight
“Those who fear You will be glad when they see me, because I have hoped in Your word.” Psalm 119:74

I pray that when people see me they would be encouraged… because they see Christ. True beauty is being able to walk with a countenance that reveals the joy and hope that abides in my heart through Jesus.

2.) Smell
“Now thanks be to God who always leads us in triumph in Christ, and through us diffuses the fragrance of His knowledge in every place. For we are to God the fragrance of Christ among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing.
2 Corinthians 2:14-15

I pray that I would be the fragrance of Christ! True beauty is being able to walk into a room and have the fragrance of the knowledge of God follow me.

3.) Taste
“Your words were found, and I ate them, and Your word was to me the joy and rejoicing of my heart…”
Jeremiah 15:16

I pray that God would speak through me and use me to satisfy the hunger of His people! True beauty is being able to speak and have every word bring glory to God and life to the hearer.

4.) Hearing
“My soul shall make its boast in the Lord; the humble shall hear of it and be glad.”
Psalm 34:2

I pray that people would hear my testimony of God’s faithfulness + goodness and receive hope. True beauty is having a soul that sings a new song into the ears of God’s people.

5.) Touch
“When she heard about Jesus, she came behind Him in the crowd and touched His garment. For she said, ‘If only I may touch His clothes, I shall be made well.’ Immediately the fountain of her blood was dried up, and she felt in her body that she was healed of the affliction.”
Mark 5:27-29

In His word Jesus says, “…the works that I do you will do also; and greater works than these you will do…” Wow. Can you imagine people being comforted + healed, spirits being lifted + renewed, at your touch?! I get goosebumps just thinking about it. True beauty is being able to hold a hand, give a hug, or lay on hands and pray for another… and impart LIFE.

This is beauty.

All-encompassing.

True.

The only kind worthy of my pursuit.

Today I had the joy of working at an event called “Circus of the Heart”. It’s a huge, annual event for all of the kids who have been adopted in Minnesota over the past year. I was invited to attend by a lady from MARN (Minneosta Adoption Resources Network) that I met just this past Thursday! The event was so much fun! I painted nails… For THREE hours straight… Hehe. There were lots of different activities for the kids including face painting, arts and crafts, and even pony rides. But the nail painting station that I was working at seemed to be a hotspot for the girls. Not surprising. It was such a joy though! After each girl picked out their color (or should I say COLORS… Because in case you didn’t know, painting your nails just one color is NOT cool anymore, hehe) I would ask the girls their names and just talked to them while I worked. It was such an amazing thing to know that behind each one of those names and faces was a story. A redemption story. Adoption is such a beautiful thing.

To know God… to truly know Him… is to have life. There is no life apart from Him. None.

“for in Him we live and move and have our being…”
Acts 17:28

God’s grace is sufficient for me… Oh, that I would believe this more and more. Lord, lavish on me the gift of faith!

God is teaching my hands to make war… on all that is not of Him. On every voice that attempts to breathe insecurity into me… On every thought that runs contrary to godliness… On all that seeks to tear down what God is building up. God is teaching me the power that is found in the Name to which every knee will bow.

“He teaches my hands to make war, so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.”
Psalm 18:34

I’ve dreaming a lot, as of late, about life… and love. I am finding SO much comfort in knowing that I have a God who cares so deeply for my longings. If I am abiding in Him, He desires to satisfy them. But I must understand that He is greater. His ways are so much higher than my ways… His thoughts far above my own. God’s plan for my life will supersede by wildest imaginations… I finally believe this.

{LOVE}

I’m always there to lend a listening ear when friends are struggling with their hearts + affections but I am very often tight-lipped when it comes to talking about my own. And rightly so, for the heart is to be guarded above all else.

I stand guard at the door of my heart quite valiantly… outwardly. When it comes to the physical manifestation of the hidden affections of my heart I seem to do well at guarding myself. But I wish I could say that I guard my heart with the same valor emotionally… you know, in my mind.

But I don’t.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about the human heart in the past few months it’s that it is no joke.

It is [wild]. It is [raging]. It is easily [attached]… and it is easily [b r o k e n].

I have fallen in love many times and had my heart broken + wounded just as many times in the past year. And do you know what the CRAZY thing about all this is? Not once was I in a relationship with any of those people.

A lot of us single people who are after God’s heart say that we’re waiting on Him for love… and we do. Physically. But what about emotionally? Is your heart emotionally single? Or in your mind have you loved another?

It’s easier than you may think to fall in love in your mind. Once again, the human heart is no joke. It attaches easily… it loves to form bonds before it’s time. Desires unrestrained and imaginations running wild can wreak havoc before you even have time to realize what’s happened.

Which is why I want to share with you the importance of standing guard at the door of your heart with all your [mind] + strength. God has been teaching me this over the past few days as I’ve had to deal with the mess that comes from not doing so. This is perhaps the greatest lesson God has taught me in the area of love/relationships thus far. It’s a lesson that I am still learning and suppose I will continue to learn until the day I marry the one God has for me.

God is so good. When we submit the deepest longings of our hearts to Him He is faithful to tenderly + lovingly care for them. He will work His will in our lives… in His time. And after all, is that not all we want? So why don’t we stop? Give up the fight. Just stop. Let’s stop chasing after our desires and allowing our imaginations to take over… We will only end up hurt. Though it will be hard, with God’s grace we can do it {remember: His grace is sufficient for us!} Let’s believe in our faithful God. Believe that He knows what we need more than we know ourselves. Believe that His ways are perfect + fulfilling + better than anything we could ever imagine. Submit… then wait… believing. Let us learn to wait truly + completely on God. For He can never fail us. Never ever.

“…Believe in the LORD your God, and you will be established…”
2 Chronicles 20:20

]]> http://muddypearls.com/2012/10/28/i-think-i-love-you/feed/ 7 muddypearls316 http://muddypearls.com/2012/10/26/i-am-enough/ http://muddypearls.com/2012/10/26/i-am-enough/#comments Fri, 26 Oct 2012 22:03:33 +0000 Tola http://muddypearls.com/?p=1512 Continue reading →]]> I have never been more comfortable and okay with myself as I am right now. In the past few weeks some of my greatest chains + insecurities have been broken. It is the most liberating thing ever to know that I’m okay. To be in a room and not be constantly wondering what people are thinking of me. To simply not care. To know that I’m enough.

Don’t get me wrong… I’m still a work in progress. I found myself even this morning having to say out loud:

“Tola, you are good enough. Don’t ever put yourself down like that. Christ lives in You and He has made you enough.”

And you see that’s what it’s all about… knowing in Whom my identity is found. I realized that all my insecurities + doubts about myself never stemmed from what God thought about me, and rarely even from what I thought about myself… they always stemmed from what others thought about me. Or what I thought they thought about me.

Jesus has been teaching me what a foolish thing it is to live for the opinions of people. Opinions of which I am unsure and are essentially worthless. I am learning that Christ is all. My identity is found in Him alone.

It literally feels like I am spreading my wings and flying.

It’s amazing.

It’s freedom.

{And here’s a little youth group update because I know you’re just itching to see more of their oh so cute faces, hehe}

Meet Mariah + Alexus

Mariah [left], Lexy [right]

This past Wednesday during youth group, I was talking to Lexy and while I was I started playing with her hair. After about 30 seconds, I thought to myself, “What if she doesn’t want you to… what if she doesn’t even want you talking to her right now?” Haha. I mean, she had only been coming to our church for two weeks, so not wanting to make her uncomfortable, I stopped. Later that night as we loaded up on the bus to take everyone home I happened to sit down right behind Lexy. She turned around, looked at me, and said:

“Tola, you should play with my hair.”

Awwww, what a sweet moment. It truly is the little things that mean so much.

Her mom dropped her off at 8:30 this morning and we had breakfast together like we always do. Oatmeal. She always asks for oatmeal. After that we read books then did an activity together. When I had her over the summer I tried to get her on a schedule: breakfast, reading/music time, simple craft or learning activity, then lunch, then NICE LONG NAP, then after she woke up we’d just do fun things like go to the park, play dress up, etc. This has become a habit for her. After we had breakfast this morning she got out her books for us to read together and then she asked, “what will be our activity?” Ahhhh, how I *love* structure.

Later we dyed pasta and made jewellery with it. Then we made Cheerios necklaces for snack time. Then we went for a walk in the crisp, fall air and tried to see how many different patterns we could find outside (she’s been learning about patterns and shapes in Kindergarten and she is ALL excited about it.) While we were walking someone asked me, “awwww, is she your daughter?” I get sad when people ask me this question because it causes me to snap back to reality and answer, “no”. Hehe.

After Kylee went home, I had very little time to make a quick run to Target to pick up a gift for my new friend Casey’s “Gender Reveal” party in the afternoon. Being that I have no car, there’s really no such thing as a “quick run”. Waiting for buses always includes lots of… waiting. I’m not complaining though, I love taking the bus because I love people watching =).

Buying gifts is something that I generally can’t do quickly. I love giving gifts. I love spending my time perusing stores for the perfect items and then finding the perfect little additions to wrap them in and make them look pretty (I’m all about presentation!) 3o minutes inside Target to buy a gift for the baby and wrapping stuff was just not enough time for me (esp. b/c I like to find the best deals)… but I made it work. I ended up buying some tan/white gender neutral onsies and finding the cutest tan and black polka dot box to put them in. It was so simple but looked so beautiful when it was done. I should have taken a picture but I was in SUCH a rush before leaving. At the party all the guests bit into chocolate cupcakes and found pink cream cheese filling, revealing to us that the baby was a girl. Yayyyy!

At the party, I felt awkward… as usual. I was talking about this with someone the other day and we were just laughing and sharing about how we always feel awkward around other people. I never feel “normal” enough in any given place. It’s weird. Today I felt that way but for the first time it didn’t bother me (not near as much as usual). I don’t know, I feel like God is just working in me in so many ways right now… teaching me who I am. What I need to be and what I don’t. As I learn these things I am finding that there is just so much freedom in being exactly who I was created to be… “normal” or not.

]]> http://muddypearls.com/2012/10/13/i-will-never-be-normal-enough/feed/ 4 muddypearls316