I seriously do. I hate myself. I hate that there is this ugly sinful nature inside of me and I hate those awful times when I give in to it. So much guilt, so much remorse, and so much disdain do I feel. It seems too much to bear. I literally loathe myself. In times of anxiety, fear, or pain, I usually run into the arms of God and allow Him to be my comforter. I find hope in His word and joy in His Presence. But at times like these, I feel that I just can’t. And that is what makes this weight so unbearable.
I know the truth. I know in my head that God’s mercy remains for those who truly repent. I know that He is near to those with a broken and contrite heart (and my heart is broken for sure). But it is so terribly hard in the midst of this guilt and brokenness to understand these truths in my heart. I know that right at this moment I need to be meditating on God’s word but there is a part of me that refrains to do so because I know exactly how Jesus is going to deal with me. He is going to do what He is always so faithful to do. He is going to ask me to come to Him. He is going to take me back. And til this day, I still don’t understand why. Well, I mean I know why… because He loves us. But still, why?
I feel guilty allowing Him to forgive me. I know that it is not fair and I know that I do not deserve it. How can it be right?
Feeling like a dirty, cheating spouse, I go to Him with my head held low. I think of what I can do to make things right, but He tells me, “nothing”. He takes me back and asks for nothing in return but a loyal heart. It CAN’T be right. But it is.
It is so right.