So I haven’t written anything for a while and I have reason (not really). I usually like to post when I’m feeling all giddy inside and God has spoken something real, beautiful, and true into my heart. But that just hasn’t happened recently. As of late I’ve been feeling all sorts of crazy. The time that I spend with God has been virtually nonexistent. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been feeling crazy that I haven’t been spending time with God – Or because I haven’t been spending time with God that I’ve been feeling crazy. Whatever the case, it’s just not working for me. I don’t like where I am right now and I need to get it together. I hate the feeling of being at a standstill and going absolutely nowhere.
Everything that I’m feeling right now is completely my own fault. I’ve been making poor choices and choosing lesser things over God. Prayer is no longer an experience in my life, but a distant memory… and my life shows it. It’s not that I’ve stopped wanting God. No. It’s just that my heart hasn’t stopped wanting other things.
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.”
This quote pretty much sums up my life right now. Just when I thought I was content trusting God with all things love/relationships/marriage, I met someone and some crazy fluttery things started going on in my heart that caused me to challenge all that. Dumb heart. People who are content trusting God for their futures wait on Him to see what His desires are. They don’t start performing full on background checks on “potentials” on Facebook, Twitter, and every other corner of the internet and find out where that person will be and at what time [totally kidding about that last part... maybe]. I don’t know if I should be impressed or embarrassed about just how much detective work I’ve done on this “potential”. I’m thinking the latter. Yeah I’m pretty sure the totally obsessive and stalkerish tendencies I have towards this person are nothing to boast about. It’s actually kinda creepy if I really think about it… But I’m convinced that I would make one great private investigator.
But on a serious note: If I’ve learned anything, it’s that I can lose control of this heart in the blink of an eye. It is nothing to play around with. There are desires in my heart that may be right and true in and of themselves but If I don’t keep guard they will soon take over and lead me away from all that God has for me right now. It is dangerous to become so consumed with all that could be that I lose sight of all that is.
I’ve realized that at the heart of all of this is the fear that I won’t get what I need. What I think I need. That is why I cling so tightly and dream about everything that I think should be – because I’m scared that if I surrender it to God it might be final.
I’m know that I’m supposed to believe that God’s ways are perfect beyond belief and that He will not fail me.
“The young lions lack and suffer hunger; But those seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing”
That’s what His word says.
But the desires of this heart are fighting against all that I deep down know to be true.