Tag Archives for Marriage

Dumb Heart.

So I haven’t written anything for a while and I have reason (not really). I usually like to post when I’m feeling all giddy inside and God has spoken something real, beautiful, and true into my heart. But that just hasn’t happened recently. As of late I’ve been feeling all sorts of crazy. The time that I spend with God has been virtually nonexistent. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been feeling crazy that I haven’t been spending time with God – Or because I haven’t been spending time with God that I’ve been feeling crazy. Whatever the case, it’s just not working for me. I don’t like where I am right now and I need to get it together. I hate the feeling of being at a standstill and going absolutely nowhere.

Everything that I’m feeling right now is completely my own fault. I’ve been making poor choices and choosing lesser things over God. Prayer is no longer an experience in my life, but a distant memory… and my life shows it. It’s not that I’ve stopped wanting God. No. It’s just that my heart hasn’t stopped wanting other things.

“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.”
Jane Austen

This quote pretty much sums up my life right now. Just when I thought I was content trusting God with all things love/relationships/marriage, I met someone and some crazy fluttery things started going on in my heart that caused me to challenge all that. Dumb heart. People who are content trusting God for their futures wait on Him to see what His desires are. They don’t start performing full on background checks on “potentials” on Facebook, Twitter, and every other corner of the internet and find out where that person will be and at what time [totally kidding about that last part... maybe]. I don’t know if I should be impressed or embarrassed about just how much detective work I’ve done on this “potential”. I’m thinking the latter. Yeah I’m pretty sure the totally obsessive and stalkerish tendencies I have towards this person are nothing to boast about. It’s actually kinda creepy if I really think about it… But I’m convinced that I would make one great private investigator.

But on a serious note: If I’ve learned anything, it’s that I can lose control of this heart in the blink of an eye. It is nothing to play around with. There are desires in my heart that may be right and true in and of themselves but If I don’t keep guard they will soon take over and lead me away from all that God has for me right now. It is dangerous to become so consumed with all that could be that I lose sight of all that is.

I’ve realized that at the heart of all of this is the fear that I won’t get what I need. What I think I need. That is why I cling so tightly and dream about everything that I think should be – because I’m scared that if I surrender it to God it might be final.

I’m know that I’m supposed to believe that God’s ways are perfect beyond belief and that He will not fail me.

“The young lions lack and suffer hunger; But those seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing”
Psalm 34:10

That’s what His word says.

But the desires of this heart are fighting against all that I deep down know to be true.

Dumb Heart.

My Near Death Experience and My Hope.

July 31st, 2011, was the day that it was officially confirmed that I am insane. I am not kidding, like CRAZY… loco! That was the day that I ran my very first long distance race: a half-marathon. 13.1 miles!!! Let me just set this up for you. Prior to that race the longest distance that I had ever run was 3 miles. Now you see what I mean by crazy?! I am by no means an athletic person so I still to this day do not know what possessed me to sign up for and run that race.

I will save you all the gruesome details of my near death experience… ahem, I mean my race. What I will tell you is that I finished the whole race without stopping. Woot Woot! and I finished like second from last… that deserves another woot woot! =) But that’s not what I wanted to share with you all today. What I wanted to share with you is a lesson that God used that race to teach me this afternoon.

At the beginning of the race all I could imagine was me crossing the finish line. How amazing would it feel to accomplish something that I never thought that I could do? To hear my name announced for all to hear, to see the balloons, the cheering crowd, and to have a medal placed around my neck? How awesome would that feel? However, as I began to run that race (and slowly feel my life slipping away from me) the finish line that once seemed so glorious became less and less important. At some point, the finish line no longer even mattered. The only thing that mattered to me was reaching the next water stop (which were dispersed every 2-3 miles along the course). The thought of the finish line many miles away offered me no hope when compared to the thought of the water stop that was soon approaching.

I had lost sight of my ultimate destination.

So it is with our lives. So often we become preoccupied with the water stops that life offers us. The water stops in life are those things that offer momentary pleasure and joy. Many of these water stops are great things: relationships, marriage, children, ministry positions, and all other lovely things. However, we must never forget that these things are fleeting. They are not what this race is all about. Our water stops in life are indeed blessings, times of refreshment from the Lord. But we must understand that God has given these things to us mainly to point us to Him. They are but instruments to give us a glimpse of the glory that is to come. THIS, my friends, is our hope!

May we keep our eyes fixed on Jesus!

“Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”

Hebrews 12:1-2

My Slap In The Face To The Lord.

Lately, I have felt a strain in my quiet times (or should I say attempts to have quiet times) with the Lord. I’ve known there was something wrong because God as the good and loving Father that He is is always so faithful to let me know when I’m doing something that isn’t pleasing to Him in some way or another. Whether it be the absence of His presence or just the restlessness of my heart, He lets me know.

Quick side note: I am really learning to love the chastening of the Lord, it is a good thing… don’t ever forget that.

Okay, back to my story, God finally revealed to me tonight what it is in my life that is so grieving Him. My presumptuousness. Specifically, my swiftness to attempt to discern God’s will without even asking Him. This is the way I have been living my life for the past few months.

God makes it very clear in His Word that it matters so much to Him that His children understand what His will is. Ephesians 5:17 says, “Therefore do not be unwise, but understand what the will of the Lord is.” Maybe now that we grasp just how important this is to God we can understand why it hurts Him so much when His children assume His will without seeking it.

It is a dangerous place to be to believe that You are so close to the Lord that You longer need to ask Him what He thinks about a certain thing. May we never forget that as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are His ways higher than our ways, and His thoughts higher than our thoughts! (Isaiah 55:9)

You see, it is so easy to fall into the trap of presumption with those closest to us. Here’s just a silly little example: Lets say that we were to ask a man what a random stranger that he had just met for the first time on the train would like for lunch, he would probably look at you like you were crazy and say, “how am I supposed to know that?” BUT if you asked this same man what his wife would like for lunch, he would probably swiftly respond something like this, “Oh she would love a ham and pineapple pizza from that little Italian spot on the corner… that’s her favorite!”

See how it works? The more we know a person the easier it becomes for us to speak for them. I wonder how many marriages have suffered or even ended because communication lines were severed as husbands and wives opted to instead presume the desires of their spouses instead of seeking them out.

The closer we walk with God the easier it becomes to fall into this trap. As baby Christians we run to the Word of God and to His presence for every matter of life, whether small or great. But as we grow in our faith, how easy it becomes to trust in our own wisdom. As wonderful as it is to have the Word of God abiding in our hearts, it can never be a replacement for the voice of God when it comes to direction in our lives.

“Your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, ‘This is the way, walk in it,’ whenever you turn to the right hand or whenever you turn to the left.”
Isaiah 30:21

A single chord has struck me deepest from one of the strongest examples of biblical marriage I know. Whenever the wife in this particular marriage is talking to me about anything that involves making a significant decision involving her time,  money, or any other thing, she always says, “I think that will be fine but let me ask my hubby first.” Why does she do this? Well, as a wife living in submission to her husband, a failure not to do this would be an undercut to his authority.

So it is with the Lord. When we determine what the Lord would will without so much as asking Him we undermine His authority as both Father and Lord. It is a  slap in the face, an insult, to the Lord. Oh, may we never lose our humility! May we never lose our innocence! May we never forsake running to the Lord for all things!

Journal Excerpt: Be Still My Soul.

“What God asks is a will which will no longer be divided between Him and any creature, a will pliant in His hands, which neither desires anything nor refuses anything, which wants without reservation everything which He wants, and which never, under any pretext, wants anything which He does not want.”
Francois Fenelon

April 20th, 2012   10:58p.m.

     Lord, why is it so hard for me to understand that Your ways are perfect? When You tell me to do something or not to do something I sometimes feel a sense of loss… like things won’t work out as they should. What?! I don’t get how I can think this way… but I do… SO much! I want so badly to trust You Lord but my heart so easily gets carried away by my own desires. Be still my soul! The idea of my future is the area in which I am finding it the hardest to allow my soul to rest in you. Not so much about my career or where I live or anything like that but mainly my future husband. I know that it is not my time yet but the man that I will spend the rest of my life with has been on my heart so much lately… every day. I don’t know why and I don’t know if these desires (or should I say anxieties) belong here right now… please show me. I want my heart to be like a weaned child (psalm 131) especially in this area… trusting You even though I don’t understand right now (and perhaps will not for many more months or years)… You can never fail me. You are TOO faithful. Lord I need You so badly. I desire You so much. I want to know You more. I want You to rule over me fully and completely. Take my life!

Marriage Mentality.

A single man or woman with a deep desire to be married will wait earnestly and expectantly for The One. Every possible prospect that passes by will leave them with a flutter in their hearts and a mind that will not cease to ponder the ever evoking question: could this be it?

But it is not so with a married man or woman.  Why? Well, being that they are already married, there is no need for that question to linger in their hearts. They already possess all that they need in a partner. Their fears have been stilled and their doubts quieted because of the presence of a long awaited and searched for love in their lives. They have found The One.

If the Church is indeed the Bride of Christ as the Bible states then this indicates that a marriage has taken place. We have been joined together with Jesus Christ. Did you catch that? We have been joined together with Him!

So why then do we choose to live our lives at times as though we are still searching? Why do we allow fears to arise and anxieties to increase? Why do we allow our hearts to believe the lie that we must journey through this day, through this life, alone?

It is so important that we never lose sight of the marriage mentality in view of our relationship with Jesus Christ.  We must rest in the peace of having need of nothing more.